PSEUDOHANDEYANA
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think
he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is,
I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the
last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any
old yokel vote.
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under
a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the
truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset
him.
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like
they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting
for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
Home is where the house is.
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No,
wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right
there.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things
I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd
that I drive without pants.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts
found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese
when you leave it out.
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't
you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally
wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So
I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost
the nose hair and the old-man smell.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't
have any clean laundry, because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last
day of their life?
If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words
"dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then
I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff.
Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet
paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny
cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate,
and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone
died.
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was
just a lawn mower.
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which
Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside
me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder
at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country
that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution.
I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I
show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They
gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be, until the looting started.