ARCHÆOLOGICAL HANDEYANA



      We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.


      If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.


      When the Age of Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back, and said, "Hey, good job."


      If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.


      I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.


      If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.


      I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am not unwrapping him later."


      If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.


      If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.


      I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye-pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings.


      It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.


      I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.


      If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.


      Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.


      Toward the end of the Stone Age I bet there was already a feeling that metal was just around the corner.


      Maybe, in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words--"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.


Sources: Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts (Berkley Books, NY, 1992); Deeper Thoughts (Hyperion, NY, 1993); Deepest Thoughts (Hyperion, NY, 1994); and The Lost Deep Thoughts (Hyperion, NY, 1998).


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