In 2006, Dr. Petruso was nominated for a university award for outstanding academic advising. In his acceptance speech he coyly expressed surprise, humility, and thanks to all the little people who had made the nomination possible, and so forth and so on, and blah blah blah. He graciously protested that he does not deserve such recognition for simply doing his job. But the nomination gave him the opportunity to pontificate on a subject about which he has wanted to hold forth for a long time.
     News of his nomination spread like wildfire through the American higher education community, and immediately brought a flood of requests from colleagues at his and other universities for tips on academic advising. In response, Dr. Petruso is pleased to submit the following Top Ten List of general-purpose, throw-them-in-the-deep-end things to say to advisees. Faculty should feel free to print this list and tape it to those pull-out slab thingies in their desks for quick reference when advising students.

Dr. Petruso's Top Ten Sure-Fire Tough Love Tips
for Academic Advisors™

(10)   You'll find the answer to that in the catalog, you knucklehead.

(9)   Next time you come to see me to get cleared for registration, I'll expect you to have some ideas of your own about courses.

(8)   You don't "get [your] math requirement out of the way." Rather, you complete your chosen courses joyfully, ever in awe of the breathtaking beauty and elegance of mathematics; and you feel inconsolably sad when the semester comes to its inevitable end. Is that clear?

(7)   Good question. Beats me. Ask Suzanne.

(6)   If God had intended university seniors to take Spanish at community colleges, He would have made community colleges four-year institutions.

(5)   I'm an advisor, not a counselor. You might want to pursue that unseemly topic with a shrink at the student health center. In the meantime, please help yourself to a Kleenex.

(4)   A Maymester, Wintermester or distance ed course is to a regular full-semester on-campus course as a Shiner Bock buzz is to a 72-hour trip through Joshua Tree National Park on a pane of king-hell Owsley Blue Dot.

(3)   In fact, I won't lend you a pen. You are a college student. You should have a pen on your person at all times. It is the tool of your trade, and will be for the rest of your life--if, through some administrative error, we actually graduate you.

(2)   Did you just pass a brain stone or something? Contrary to popular opinion, there are stupid questions. And you've just asked one.

          ... and Dr. Petruso's number one thing to say to advisees:

(1)   No.

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