Communication Matters

Research shows that teens have thoughts and beliefs about behaviors well before engaging in that behavior. For example, your teen may have thoughts about alcohol, substance use, social media, and sexual behavior long before they engage in any of those behaviors. To get a good understanding of what your teen thinks, start talking with them early and often.

Whether or not your teen has ever tried alcohol, they likely have important thoughts about alcohol. For example, do they think all their peers have tried alcohol except them? Do they feel drinking alcohol would result in positive outcomes or negative outcomes? Do they think being perceived as someone who drinks is a good thing or a bad thing? Finding out what your teen thinks about alcohol is just as important as knowing if they have already used alcohol.

Parental Reluctance to Talk with Teens

Before initiating a conversation with your teen, you might consider why you want to have the conversation and what you’d like to accomplish by having the conversation. Below are a few points to consider as you prepare:

• What is the ideal outcome of the conversation? If your goal is to connect with your teen or educate your teen, this will guide the language you choose and how you might elect to enter the conversation with a supportive purpose.
• Know that your outcome may best be met with a number of conversations rather than just one conversation. Your first conversation could be short and just meeting the goal of getting you and your teen comfortable with a certain topic. Not everything has to be discussed at once. Your first conversation may be used to gather information about how your teen thinks and feels.
• Go into the conversation with an attitude that matches your ideal outcome.
• Deciding to be open to what your teen has to share and learning from their perspective ahead of time will keep the focus on your desired outcome of the conversation.
• When talking with teens, research suggests that asking them questions that start with how, what, and why are the best ways to open the lines of communication or improve the impact of those conversations.

Considering the optimal time to have a conversation is just as important as planning what you might say or ask during the conversation. Below are some things to think about when planning a time to speak with your teen:

• Planning a conversation rather than reacting to something might result in a more positive outcome. Consider not forcing communication at a bad time. Sometimes the best way to have an effective conversation is to drop it and try again at a later time. Thinking about your emotions and motives for the conversation before engaging can improve the odds your conversation will go well with your teen. If your teen has earned a consequence, try to keep that a separate conversation.
• Try to structure a time to talk when the teen is likely to be open to it. Teens are often tired at the end of a hard school day or an athletic event, and this may not be the best time to try to start a conversation. Or the teen may be preoccupied with something else. Think about your teen’s schedule and how you can create a time where you will have their undivided attention. You might even let your teen know you’d like to discuss a certain topic and get their input on when they would like to discuss this with you.
• Considering where you will talk is as important as when you will talk. A place where a “one-on-one” conversation can be effectively initiated will work best, so if possible, try to avoid a time or location where you would be interrupted.
• Keep conversations ongoing. Let your teen know you’ll revisit what you shared and keep checking back in with them. Also, think about making them aware that they can also initiate the conversation.

The first step in effectively talking with your teen is simply getting the talking started. Such conversations will not necessarily occur in a single sitting, but often will evolve over multiple times. As a parent you must take active steps to establish the dialogue that is so important to both you and your teen. When the time is right, you will want to schedule or suggest a time to talk with your teen. Keep in mind your desired outcome of the dialogue with your teen. Do not be in a rush and know that more frequent conversations might help you reach your goal rather than one conversation.

We understand that there may be many reasons why you might be reluctant to start a difficult conversation with your teen. We hope that some of the tips and strategies in this module will make it easier for you to start and continue having effective and helpful conversations.

• I’d like to talk with you about alcohol, but first I’d like to get your point of view.
• I’d like to talk about underage drinking with you. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspectives as well.
• Do you have time to set aside to talk with me tomorrow? I want to get your thoughts on alcohol.

Once you have decided to start a conversation, which is the most important first step, you may be concerned that your teen may react negatively. Here are some common reactions teens may have when parents try to open a dialogue about sensitive topics and a few ways other parents find useful in dealing with them.

Fear of hearing a lecture

Many teens are open to talking but the last thing they want to hear is a one-way lecture from parents about right and wrong. 

Teen objection:

“I know what you will do if we talk. You’ll lecture me like you always do and if I try to argue you will get mad.”

Parental response:

“You’re right. This time I won’t lecture and I will listen to what you think. I trust you and I want things to change now that you are getting older.”

Anger about not being trusted

Some teens interpret a request to talk as a sign that you do not trust them. Research shows that when teens feel they can trust their parents and are trusted by them, they tend to listen more.

Teen objection:

“You don’t trust me!”

Parental response:

“I trust you. But this is a very important issue that I want to talk about and for us to brainstorm ways to deal with everything effectively, and to do that, we need to talk with each other.”

Fear of punishment

Another common reaction from teens focuses on the fear of being punished. Studies show that when teens fear punishment, they communicate less often with their parents.

Teen objection:

“Sure, if I tell you what’s going on, you’ll ground me.”

Parental response:

“I promise I won’t be that way. I will listen to you and I want you to be open and honest with me.”

The teen thinks they know it all

Some teens don’t want to talk because they think they already know everything there is to know about a topic. Even though teens may have considerable knowledge, they do not always have the full picture. Don’t let this deter you in pursuing conversations.

Teen objection:

“I’ve heard it all before. We don’t need to talk.”

Parental response:

“You probably already know quite a bit. But it would make me feel better if we talked it through. Besides, it would help me to better understand how things are different from when I was your age.”

Consider using open-ended questions or language when talking with your teen. This way your teen knows you would like more than short replies. Consider the example options below and what responses you may get from your teen when approaching a topic from the two different perspectives.

Open-ended and Non-judgmental Language

The ways in which you communicate can have a huge impact on how teens respond. Here are some additional communication pointers to keep in mind.

• Listen—Allow your teen to speak without interruption. Sometimes it is good to paraphrase (“Let me see if I understand you…”). With paraphrasing you don’t agree or disagree, you interpret.
• Verbalize respect—Whenever you can and it is appropriate to do so, convey respect to your teen (“I admire…”). Teens want to feel respected and will be more willing to talk to people who respect them. Tell your son or daughter that you are proud of them for being able to handle these tough situations.
• Communicate directly—Don’t talk about important topics when absorbed in another activity, such as reading the news, watching television, or cleaning.
• Take Turns—Teens will be more responsive to parental communication when they feel that they are given an opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings equally with their parents.
• Try to appeal to common goals—Teens need to be reminded that you are on their side. Whenever possible, common goals should be emphasized and should serve as the basis for your guidance (e.g., you both want them to be healthy and safe).
• Avoid communication stoppers—There are single statements that will close anyone down (“Anyone who drinks is stupid”, “Are you crazy?”)
• Conflict is natural—Realize that conflict is natural. We are not identical to one another and we all have different beliefs and values, therefore disagreements are bound to happen. Remember to use conflict as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than treating it like a negative experience.
• Agree to disagree—Agree to temporarily stop if things do not go well. Wait until both individuals can talk in a calm and direct manner.
• Avoid debate mode—Sometimes conversations become structured so that people feel that they must “defend” their position. If you sense the conversation has turned into a debate, try suggesting that you both approach matters from a different angle. Also avoid statements that begin with “you” as they often make the other person feel attacked.

You can use your conversations with your teen to follow up on the same topic or to start a conversation in another area. If your first conversation went well, follow up on the same topic to see if anything has changed or if you want to take your conversation to a more intimate topic. The ultimate goal is to have frequent positive conversations, so think of each conversation as a step to that goal.

If your first conversation did not go how you had planned, spend time reflecting on what did not go well and why. Do you need to scale back and start with smaller goals with your teen? Do you need to use more open-ended questions? Don’t give up and keep trying with your teen. Consider asking your teen why they think the conversation did not go well. Learning from their perspective will help you in future talks.

It is a good idea to reassure your teen that they can always talk with you about anything. To start this conversation or conversations, please see the below examples:

• Ask your teen if they’ve seen anything online that they are not comfortable with. (They might have seen things like mean comments, substance use, sexual content, violent images.)
• Ask your teen if they’ve seen anything at school that they are not comfortable with. (They might have seen substance use or bullying.)
• Let your teen know you won’t overreact if they share with you and that you’d much rather that they talked with you, instead of keeping it to themselves. 
• If they are upset or worried about something, you’d like them to talk about how they are feeling and what they are thinking.