Talking About Social Media With Your Teen

Social media offers huge opportunities. Through their interactions on social media, your teen has opportunities to form opinions, play games, have fun, and connect with family and friends who may not live nearby. Social media also allows teens to:

• Create online identities
• Communicate with others
• Build social networks

Social media plays a huge role in the lives of our teens today!

• 98% of teens report using social media
• Nearly half report being on social media “almost constantly”

Given the large role that social media plays in our teens’ lives, it is a good idea to have regular conversations about social media from a young age – it should be as ordinary as talking about the weather, the dog, or something you’ve watched on TV.

Keeping up with your kids’ social media use can feel challenging. Just when you’ve got a handle on Facebook and Twitter, you have to learn about Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok… and then in a few months there may be a half-dozen new sites and apps your teens have discovered.

It can be easy to feel that you don’t understand the latest technology, apps, or social media that your child is using, but don’t use this as an excuse not to get involved. When these doubts creep into your head, remember: Your kids need you to help them navigate life’s tricky situations, and being a teen in the social media can definitely be tricky.

Although a quick Google search indicates that there are lots of places to learn about individual media platforms, research shows that the best way to learn about what your kids are doing online is simply to ask them.

Your teens are the experts on these sites, so why not learn directly from the best source out there – them! Having general conversations with your teen about social media is a good way to connect and start conversations on issues that your teens care about. In fact, we heard from many teens that they want to have these conversations with their parents about social media and would welcome the chance to show you, as parents, why they choose to use certain sites or not and what they see as the pros and cons of using them.

It may feel awkward to start conversations about social media with your teen, but there are many natural opportunities that pop up that can serve as the perfect time to jump in.

Here are some example opportunities:

• Sometimes, questions and curiosities about social media flow into a regular conversation on the drive home from school, and you can invite your teen to reflect.
• Or maybe it’s seeing your teen laughing while looking at their device – ask them to show you what they are looking at.
• Or maybe if you don’t understand something on your own social media, ask them to teach you.

The most important thing to remember is to try to start these conversations in a time free of technology-related conflict. Trying to start a conversation about social media when there is already tension is unlikely to lead to productive and positive conversations. Consider what your goals are and how your choices will help get you to that goal!

It is helpful to consider what the goal is of your initial conversation. Perhaps the first conversation can be short and simple just to get the conversation started. One strategy is just to ask your teen to teach you and show you their favorite social media sites. This will help you understand how they work so that you can talk about the positives and whether you have any concerns. You don’t need to pry or quiz your child about every social media site they’ve interacted with, but checking in with them for a minute or two can make a huge difference. Teens regularly tell us that they want to share more with you about their social media lives, so below are some tips and suggested questions for starting the conversation in a positive manner.

• Asking your teens about the positive things about social media is a good way to start the conversation in a positive manner, but this also provides opportunities to follow up with questions about what things they might feel less positively about or have concerns about.
• You should approach these conversations with genuine curiosity and openness to listen to your teen. Providing a safe space for your teenager to share and become empowered by their process are important factors that are likely to make conversations more successful in the long run.
• The first conversation may be as simple as gathering information:
  • Tell me about your favorite social media app?
  • What do you like best about social media?
  • What do you wish I knew about social media?
• Depending on how that first conversation went, additional conversations could focus on the following:
  • What have you shared on social media today? How did people react?
  • Show me something today that made you smile on social media?
• Another fun way to learn more about your teen’s social media use is to create content together. Perhaps you could start a conversation by saying that you watched a few videos on TikTok today and you would love your teen to show you how to make them. This is not only a fun way to bond with your teen, but will also open up to other conversations about how social media makes them feel when they view and post content.

Talk with your child about your own experience with social media. Share the adult experience! Be brief, genuine, and relevant in your sharing, and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, as this makes it a true dialogue. Show them the social media platforms that you like and explain why you like them. You can also talk about your own less positive experiences online. Talk with them about what you post (and what you don’t post) and why. Share how you have handled difficult situations you have encountered on social media with your teen. If you feel pressured by the ‘perfect’ photos people share on social media, then being open with your child about this can be a good thing. It might help them understand that the ‘perfect’ pictures people share on social media don’t always show reality. Encourage them to talk with you if they’re struggling with this. By being open, honest, and leading by example, your teen will realize that you may experience many of the same struggles they do, which can lead to more genuine and meaningful conversations.

Help your teen to understand what’s meant by personal information, so they can develop an awareness of why it’s significant and why they should be cautious about sharing pictures of themselves or information online.

Some things for your teen to know:

• What you put online stays online. Even things you delete can be saved or screenshotted – including those Snapchats meant for just one friend.
• Online strangers are still strangers. Forums and group chats can be a great way to connect with people you may not encounter face to face, but don’t feel pressured to share more than you feel comfortable with.
• It’s easy to over-share on social media, especially if you forget who can see your profile.
• Don’t hesitate to block anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable and talk with someone you trust about it if this happens.

It might be helpful to share some very specific examples of ways that they may be sharing too much personal information without knowing. Perhaps reminding them to not show any addresses or personal information inadvertently in any content they share online or to have their full name in view on their profiles or content.

It might also be helpful to explain to your teen reasons not to share personal content. Sometimes it is because that personal information could lead to safety issues, but sometimes it may be that sharing too much personal information could impact their image or hurt other people.

• Personal information that if shared could lead to safety issues:
  • Birthday, name, address, driver’s license, or anything else that could personally identify your teen to someone they may not want to have that information
• Personal information that if shared could lead to damage to reputation/social image
  • Embarrassing photos, personal behavior, or health status that could be used against you or damage how others see you
• Personal information that if shared could hurt others:
  • Identifying information of friends and other family, videos and photos shared without permission that could damage reputation of friends and family

Overall, it would be good to speak to your teen about considering what could happen if they shared too much personal information on social media and to pause and think that if they aren’t ok with just anyone (Your grandma? Your aunt? Your school? A complete stranger?) seeing it, it might not be a good idea to share on social media.

Revisit conversations about social media time and time again. As we stated earlier, these conversations should become common in your daily communication with your teen. These tips and strategies to learning more about your teen’s social media use can be adapted and updated as technology, family dynamics, experiences of friends and family, issues that come up in the news, and your teen’s experiences change over time. Having a good foundation to start conversations about social media with your teen will put you in an ideal spot to navigate any tricky situation that might pop up in the future, so it is good to practice having these conversations frequently.

Even with strong communication, there is a chance that you may become aware of something that your teen has shared or viewed online that is concerning. The most important thing to remember is to slow down, step back, and try to understand the context. It’s normal for parents to have a high level of concern in these situations, but it’s important to remember that even if your teen doesn’t know it, they still need help learning how to navigate the online world. To do so, it is good to have a helpful, understanding parent in their corner who can help them through these situations. We recommend focusing on keeping lines of communication open and trying to understand and help guide your teen through these scenarios. So what can parents do if they are concerned?

• Keep your cool—If you find something concerning, try to approach it in a nonjudgmental way and remember that your teens is likely struggling with it as well. You can revisit our suggestions for asking open-ended and nonjudgmental questions in Module 1.
• Listen—Having honest and open conversations with your teen about what you find troubling or concerning. Try to avoid making assumptions about your teen’s motivations or bringing up past behaviors. Instead, attempt to understand the factors and social influences that may have been involved in your teen’s decision. Start by asking how your teen makes decisions about what they post instead of focusing on the impression that they are not thinking at all. It may be interesting to hear what guides their decisions, even if different from your idea of how they should be making decisions.
• Set limits—If necessary, it is appropriate to place limits on a teen’s access to social media and to make some attempts to monitor their activity. Common approaches include limiting screen time, avoiding “friending” strangers, and making sure that appropriate privacy settings are being used.
• Use as a teaching moment—Although it might be tempting to take away teens’ access to social media for extended periods of time, it likely is not helpful or realistic in the long run. We know that teens will likely try to find another way to access unmonitored social media and you could potentially lose the opportunity for continued conversation and guidance. Teens will eventually need to learn to make good choices and allowing them the space to explore, with your assistance, is the best way to set them up for success in the long-run.

For more specific tips and strategies for what to do if you find your teen has shared alcohol content on social media or may be drinking, please visit Module 5.